5 steps to a more awesome you

For most people life is a constant struggle, not me. I’m outside of the regular rules of everyday drudgery. Do you know why? I am in touch with my inner awesomeness. Awesomeness is all around us. It’s in the food we eat and the water we drink. Yet we ignore this vital energy that holds the universe together. This article is my gift to you the general community of Earth. Over the next few paragraphs or so I will blow your mind with knowledge and wisdom that I have accrued over my lifetime of over 200 years. By the time you have reached the end of this document you will have all the secrets you need to balance the spirit within and live a fulfilled life.

It’s easier than you think…

Step 1:

Satisfy your bloodlust/blood lustre.

Scientific studies* have proven that a good massacre can increase serotonin levels by almost double! When was the last time you engaged your body’s natural need to take another life or two? I’m not talking about somebody who cuts in front of you at a fast food restaurant that you follow at a safe distance then beat them over the head with a tire iron for a few minutes. I’m talking about really satisfying your bloodlust. The term bloodlust was originally “blood lustre”.

Lustre:

Noun

  1. Soft shining light reflected from a surface; sheen
  2. Great splendour or glory

In the good old days your “blood lustre” was when you would go out and kill so many people that by the time you were done you were literally covered in blood from head to toe in blood creating a red sheen over your entire body that was described as your “blood lustre”.   Nobody satisfied their blood lustre better than Carrie in the movie “Carrie” and she was a she! If you haven’t seen the movie then consider it your homework. One woman pouring shit over everybody in sight… WITH HER MIND!!! Anyway, I digress, over the years the term “blood lustre” has been bastardised into “bloodlust” which makes enough sense when taken literally (yearning to kill in a way that is almost akin to sexual desire.) But it can sometimes be used inappropriately. For example when a country’s leader declares war they can be at times accused of exercising their “bloodlust” which in this situation is not the case as they aren’t likely to get any blood on themselves physically. My point is you haven’t truly exercised your bloodlust/blood lustre until you are completely covered in blood (of other people who died by your hand).

 

So? Do it! You’ll be glad you did!

Step 2:

Try to channel positive energy.

When my Sensei Bentai Matsumoko was brutally and senselessly murdered I had a choice. To let my pain out on other people in a negative way? Or to find a more positive way to channel my grief,. The grief was unbearable, I remember thinking, “what kind of monster would do a thing such as this to such a great man?” Instead of letting it force me into a position where I was channelling negativity, I decided to write a song. I encourage you to do the same because let’s face it; the world is full of selfish jerks that are always going to find a way to destroy someone or something you love. The trick is to not let them win.

Step 3.

Don’t be afraid to murder complete strangers,

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “It’s wrong to kill someone if you don’t know them, what if they’re a good person?” Well, this is a valid consideration but you’ll find that even if you do kill a few good people it will only pull their surrounding community together with a stronger bond than they had before, you’re doing them a favour. When you murder a good person, you allow their memory to remain positive. People love to harbour good memories of lost loved ones. So? Therapeutic for you whilst giving people a positive memory to hold onto? If you murder a bad person like a lawyer or a DJ, you’re doing the rest of the world a favour! Sounds like a win win situation to me.

Step 4

Stop listening to your radio.

Now, at the time of writing this I obviously haven’t even uploaded it to the site yet but somehow I can already hear all you bitches saying “But Shinoko! I listen to an underground radio station that only plays really cool underground music that’s cool because nobody has heard it!”

Bullshit.

Underground radio is for kids who spend too much time figuring out how to look artistic/cool before they go out and only listen to the station to get extra cred when they hang out with all their friends who are just as insecure as they are. You still want to be spoon-fed your music but you want it to come from a DJ that has been confirmed by a panel of experts to be certifiably “the shit/cool”. Take your pink hair quiff and shove it up your arse. If you want to be told what to listen to, send me an email and I’ll give you some shit that will smarten you up a notch or two.

Now, that being said… Mainstream radio is a whole other league of suicide inducement. I I’d love to describe at this point what’s so bad about it but I’ve never listened to more than 5 seconds at a time before I destroyed some poor buggers radio. From what I remember though it’s kind of like a cross between what I imagine it would feel like to have a hot poker shoved up your arse whilst a chainsaw is cutting through metal in the background. Mainstream radio listeners shall receive no mercy from me, one day I will find and kill every person I can find who listens to that shit and the world will be 2/5ths more intelligent for it…

Step 5

Try to have sex with at least 3 women a day.

I say at least 3 but the more the better, depending on what other stuff you have to get done but you absolutely must make time for at least 3. Also, no cheating now fellas it doesn’t count if you just have sex with the one woman 3 times OK? Anonymous sex has been scientifically proven* to balance out your chi 10 times more than yoga, pilates or tai chi, not that I’ve ever done those particular weak exercises but I assume that they are ineffective. Even if they were effective, do you really want to be doing that shit?

Ladies, I haven’t forgotten you. You’re role within this step is to be a generous lover, give your man a little something extra. Don’t be shy. Also if your man comes home a little later than normal one night or for that matter every night don’t hassle him with a bunch of questions. Questions only irritate men and it’s especially irritating to a man if he’s been out shagging a bunch of women behind your back and let’s face it… If you find out about that stuff it’s only going to upset you so ease up on the questions and let sleeping dogs lie.

Well! There you have it. Throw away all your other self help books that didn’t help and follow those tips and you’re well on your way to a happier, wiser more balanced life. If you have any questions about my tips or perhaps you need some advice about something that isn’t included in my 5 tips please email me and I’ll do my best to answer your question. That being said you know that it’s more than likely that your solution is contained in the above article and you haven’t seen it but you are my ninja family and I can’t help but help you.

I love you all.

-Shinoko